NOUS's Nugs of Unusual Size
by ElissaCousland
Summary: Companion piece to The Princess Warden. New and improved! Longer and more hilarious than the previous volume. Alistair/Westley must rescue Elissa/Buttercup. Easter eggs, see if you can find them!


Author's Note: I don't own anything. This is what happens when my angst muse needs a rest period...hahaha...enjoy!

-N.O.U.S.'s : (Nugs of Unusual Size)-

Elissa…er…_Buttercup_ as it were, hopped onto the stone ahead. She landed neatly, with both of her feet scrunched onto the tiny square. Alistair…ah, …_Westley_, had told her to be careful and step only where he steps. So she followed him through the Deep Roa--….the fire swamp.

She hopped to each stone, keeping pace with him, until he stopped, but she had already jumped, and so, landed right behind him, her weight and momentum nearly toppling them both into the lightning sand that lay all around them. Alis--_Westley_, flailed his arms about wildly. At the last second, he caught his balance. Elis--_Buttercup_, turned him to face her. She held her hands up to his face, and leaned back. She studied his face, carefully, squinting her eyes, and turning his face this way and that.

"Uh…What?" he asked, "What is it? Is there something wrong with my _face_?"

Elis--_Buttercup's _brows knit together. "Wasn't your mole on the other side, yesterday??" she asked, with awe.

"I have a _mole_??" he asked, even more awed than she. He reached his hand up to touch his right cheek, and there it was a small imperfection, a tiny beauty mark, next to his mouth. When he stroked it, it came off onto his finger.

He stared down at the tiny black speck on his finger. "Huh," he said. Then he put it back on the other side, and it stuck! "Huh," he said again.

They made their way a little further when suddenly a large flame swept up out of the ground and a flaming Rage Demon lunged at them. Elissa drew her sword first.

"No, No!," Alistair/Westley complained, "You _can't_ do that!"

"Why not?" Elissa/Buttercup asked.

"Because, you're the _princess_! You know, _damsel in distress_?"

"So… I should just _wait_… for this Rage Demon to _slaughter_ us?" she asked confusedly.

"It's not _going_ to!" Alistair/Westley, explained with growing impatience, " I'm the _hero_, remember?"

"Oh yes," Elissa/Buttercup rolled her eyes, "The Dread Pirate Sandal, how could I forget?"

Amazingly, the Rage Demon, simply stood there, waiting for the two to finish bickering. It tapped it's…um, the bottom part of it's flames, impatiently, with it's… top flames folded across it's… flames.

"It won't hurt _you_," Alistair/Westley, explained. He shooed Elissa/Buttercup to get behind him, "Now, just stand back."

Elissa/Buttercup made herself comfortable, leaning against a solid rock that just happened to be there. She examined her nails carefully, while Alistair/Westley fought for his life against the Rage Demon. She did hope they would hurry up with it already, the racket they were making reverberated off of the stone walls around them and hurt her ears.

_Aw, fudge!, _she lamented, when she saw a nick in one of her nails. She sighed wearily, and picked at it while the thing had Alistair/Westley pinned to the ground. When the rough edge was gone, she curled her fingers up and looked her nails over once again.

"Aiiiieeee!!!" Alistair/Westley screeched when he caught fire. "Wait! Wait!" he cried, putting his hands together in the shape of a large T, "Time out!" The Rage Demon tapped it's flames impatiently again as Alistair/Westley fervently patted out the flames on his armor. "Okay, go!" he said, and the Rage Demon lunged at him again. All this went on as Elissa/Buttercup breathed on her curled fingers and then buffed them against the collar of her shirt.

"_Dress_!" Alistair/Westley called without looking at her. "Princesses wear dresses!" he called, dodging the flames the Rage Demon shot at him.

Elissa/Buttercup grumbled in frustration as her nice cotton shirt transformed itself into a frilly pink dress. "How embarrassing," she muttered to herself, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. She stared down at her pale, white legs. "I _so_ don't have the complexion for this!" She frowned and ran her hands along her legs, looking at the small blonde hairs.

Finally, Alistair/Westley defeated the Rage Demon. He gasped, taking in large gulps of air, sweat rolled down his forehead. Dirt marred his face and his mole had moved over and up an inch.

Elissa/Buttercup helped him to his feet and then slapped him across the face.

"Ow! What was that for?" Alistair/Westley asked, rubbing his face, careful not to move his mole.

"Well, I would have _punched_ you," she said, "but princesses don't do that," She stuck her tongue out at him.

"What's with the abuse? You're supposed to _love_ me, you know?" he reminded her.

"You put me in a dress!" she cried.

"So? I think it's very pretty on you,"

"I haven't shaved in _THREE DAYS!_!!" she yelled.

"Oh, that? …It's…uh, hardly noticeable…" he murmured, trying to keep his eyes off of the veritable beard she seemed to have acquired on her legs. _Wow, all that in only three days, huh?_, he thought to himself in wonderment.

_Note to self: Don't __**ever**__ let her borrow your razor_, he thought, bemused and somewhat horrified at the idea that she might actually ask to borrow it.

"Never mind," she huffed, "let's just get going."

"Hey! _I'm_ the hero," he said jumping in front of her with his chest puffed out. "So _I'll_ lead the way!"

"Do you even _know _where we're going anymore?" Elissa/Buttercup asked, perturbed, "Because I _swear_ that rock looks familiar."

Said rock opened it's eyes and stared at her. It's eyes narrowed. It's mouth opened. It spoke, in a gravelly voice (pun intended!): "Beware…beware…."

_Beware what?, _she wondered.

Alistair/Westley nodded , " Sure I know where we're going," he said.

"And where is that?" she asked.

"Away," he replied.

"Away from what?"

"Away, from Loghai-- er, Prince Hunchback Dick,"

"That's _not_ his name!"

"Well it _should_ be! He _looks_ like a Hunchback, and he _acts_ like a Dick!"

Another rock startled at their presence. It's eyes jolted open wide. "_Holy shit_!" it cried, "What did I _smoke_ last night?" It eyed them suspiciously as they walked past.

Elissa/Buttercup looked around at the rock face that lined the wall. Rock _faces_, rather, as all of the rocks seemed to be alive. There was a fine sheen of _*sparkly* _all over…everything. "Um, where the hell are we?" she wondered aloud.

Alistair/Westley looked around. "I don't know," he shrugged. "Hey, let's ask him!" he said, pointing to a most _**Fugly**_ little troll of a dwarf.

Elissa/Buttercup ran over to him and hugged him. "_Ohgren!?! _What are _you_ doing here? I thought you were _Vizzini_!"

"What? Ack, no, don't kiss me!" the fugly little dwarf/troll broke away from her embrace.

"_Damn_, bitch! Put some _deodorant_ on or something!" he cried, holding his nose and gasping for air.

Elissa/Buttercup shot Alistair/Westley a glance over the fugly troll-dwarf's head. _Deodorant? _Alistair/Westley shrugged. He'd never heard of it either. Maybe it was some kind of cheese?

He looked down at the repulsive little scab of a man. "Well, if you're not Oghren…"

"And you're not Vizzini…" Elissa/Buttercup added.

"Who the hell are you?" they asked simultaneously.

The troll-man puffed out his chest proudly, and pointed his index finger into his chest. "The name's Huggies," he said.

"What kind of a name…" Elissa/Buttercup began.

The trollish little dwarf blushed, and he was even _more _ugly in that hue. "Well,…I…er--ah…you see…"

Alistair/Westley and Elissa/Buttercup leaned in closer, raising interested brows.

"Well, I got this problem. See, I get _drunk_… _a lot_, I mean, gardening ain't really your _college degree_ type of job, ya know…and when I get drunk, I make…bad decisions…like pissing in his Majesty's fountains and such. So…he decided I should wear diapers." he finished, hanging his head in shame.

Alistair/Westley and Elissa/Buttercup looked further down at the dwarfish troll of a man and noticed that he was, indeed, wearing a diaper around his bottom half.

"You know the worst thing is…he won't even buy me _Depends_! He said we already have these for the baby, so I can wear them too! What a cheapskate!" Huggies said, chucking a big square thing at Alistair/Westley.

Alistair/Westley caught the box and looked at it. The picture showed an infant wearing a diaper. The word 'Huggies' was written in large puffy letters above the baby's head.

"Ah, I see," Alistair/Westley said. "Well, uh, anyway…We , ah, need to get going. So…" he turned on his heel, ready to leave the awkward situation.

"Well you shouldn't go this way, you should take the shortcut." Huggies offered.

"What shortcut?" Alistair/Westley asked.

"That one, right there," Huggies said, pointing off in the distance.

Where Huggies indicated, the path forked in two. Huggies suggested they take the path to the left. Elissa/Buttercup agreed with him, since the path on the left was well-lit, with plenty of sunshine, although why exactly the sunshine stopped directly at the precise inch where both roads met, she had no clue. The path on the right was dark, with eerie storm clouds looming overhead. The left path, the _shortcut_, teemed with bunnies and spring and flowers and rainbows and ooh, and ahh, so pretty!

Try as they might, though, with each step forward, they veered toward the path to the right, their legs moving of their own accord.

"What the hell's going on?" Elissa/Buttercup asked.

"I don't know…" Alistair/Westley said.

"Why are we going this way? Why can't we go the other way, with the bunnies and the ooh and ah so pretty?" she demanded.

Alistair/Westley paused. He tilted his head to the side as if he could hear something she couldn't. Suddenly, he continued his way towards the dark and dreary path ahead.

"We have to go this way." he said, pushing aside dead three branches out of his face, "The Beautiful, Smart, Sexy _and_ All-Knowing Leliana, is the one telling this story," he explained.

"Oh," Elissa/Buttercup said, as if she understood it was not an issue to be argued, because it simply could not be won.

As the reluctant princess and her incompetent hero made their way further down the path from which they could not stray, Elissa/Buttercup heard a noise. She stopped, clutching Alistair/Westley's gauntleted arm.

"Alistair/Westley…" she mewled, "…I'm scared…"

"There's nothing to be scared of, Elissa/Buttercup," he assured her.

"What about the N. O. U. S.'s?"

"What? Oh, Nugs of Unusual Size? Don't worry, they don't exist…" he said, assuredly.

Right at that moment, something big slammed into him, knocking them both to the ground.

Elissa/Buttercup looked on as the giant, pink, bunny-pig the size of a small bear, pinned Alistair/Westley to the ground.

"Help!" he cried, "ha--haha--help…crushing…hah…me…heh-haha…" Alistair/Westley pleaded.

Elissa/Buttercup stood back, arms folded over her chest. "So…what was that you said earlier..? About princesses, and their chosen attire?"

"Ack…haha…help! He's snuf-- ahahaha…snuffling…haha.."

"Oh, _snuffling_?…Is that what templars call it? Because from this angle, it looks like he's trying to mate you!"

"H-Help!…can't…breathe…"

"Oh…all right," she sighed. She bent down and pursed her lips, calling the enormous nug over with a smooching sound.

"Tum hewah, widdle nuggy-wuggy…" she called in a cooing voice, snapping her fingers lightly, "Hewah, nuggy-wug…tum on, nuggy…"

The nug stopped snuffling Alistair/Westley's neck. It's ears stood to attention. The nug chortled. It's snout whoofed the air. Suddenly, it squealed and ran right for her.

"No! Nonononono!" she cried. Too late. Wham!

"Dresses!" Alistair/Westley laughed triumphantly as he worked to wrestle the nug off of her. "Princessess wear dresses!"

OOOOOOO

So, with the help of his newfound friends, Inigo/Zevran and Sten/Fezzick, Alistair/Westley saved the beautiful princess Elissa/Buttercup from the foul clutches of the evil Loghain/Hunchbackdick.

Alistair/Westley and Elissa/Buttercup stood on the precipice looking out over the valley as the sun was beginning to set, painting the horizon with brilliant romantic hues.

"Well, so, thanks for um, you know, rescuing me and all," Elissa/Buttercup said.

"Sure, no problem," Alistair/Westley offered. They shook hands and parted ways…

…

…

…

Ahem!!! I said…_Romantic! Hues!_

Elissa/Buttercup and Alistair/Westley turned back to each other, a look of horror crossing their faces.

OOOOOOO

"I'm sorry, but that's just how the story goes," Leliana said.

Alistair and Elissa stared at each other, their sounds of protest, muffled by the gags in their mouths. The other companions snickered through their gags.

OOOOOOO

So.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one…

…was _not_ one of them.

Elissa/Buttercup leaned in…

"No, _I _do the leaning!," Alistair/Westley sighed, " You just…stand there."

"Oh, fine" she said, crossing her arms as her face screwed up into a grimace.

Alistair/Westley leaned in, his lips a tight, thin line. Elissa/Buttercup leaned away as he edged closer. Finally their lips met in the briefest touch.

Alistair/Westley quickly turned away, spitting. _Eww, it's like kissing my sister!_

Elissa/Buttercup turned away, feeling like she wanted to projectile vomit. _Yuck! Boy-germs!_

oooFINooo


End file.
